Love. An oh so tiny word, yet heavy with meaning. To us as humans, it’s the very heartbeat of life. Our deepest longing. We crave relationship. God formed the perfect relationship in the Garden. Flawless. Man’s choice severed that flawless relationship. Bringing hurt…disappointment…loss. Man now lives life searching for the answer. Jesus is the key. Too often we search for the answer in the wrong places. Only deepening the pain. The hope is that God is calling out to us and working in our searching. We have to choose to go back to Him.
Deeply feeling the severed relationships and an ache for love, I longed for someone or something to fill that deep void. Finding a slice of solace in the great big barn. Animals served as a purpose. Receiving their loyalty and affection warmed my heart. Animals had way of breaking through the pain and walls in my heart.
* * *
A shroud of gloom hung over me. The passing of days only deepened the loss. Day after day I listlessly wandered around in that old red barn. Wallowing in my grief. My purpose was stripped away. The one thing I had poured my heart and soul into was buried. I felt hollow. The loyalty and affection that had soothed the ache inside had been ripped away.
Two pairs of almond-shaped eyes gazed upon me as I slumped against the wall. Staring unseeingly at the empty stall. Those patient eyes eventually broke into my sight. I was struck with what was before my stoic figure. Two horses that needed to be cared for and loved. One in particular needed a serious dose of training. I was needed! There I traded my grief for an incredible drive to work. I threw myself into training that equably bull-headed, angry horse. Sneaking out to the barn in the wee hours of the night to escape the restless nights and to bond with the horse I was fast becoming attached to. Hour upon hour of painstakingly slow efforts to morph that horse into an obedient animal. I pushed myself to work until completely exhausted. Lifting and dragging things no 14 year old girl should attempt to do alone. Propelled by sheer force of willpower and the anger and turmoil raging inside. I had a purpose. Temporarily filling the great void.
All that strenuous work paid off. The day I climbed up onto that horse’s back, one that no one had ever been able to ride before, that miraculous feeling of accomplishment ever so slightly cracked open the hardened walls of my heart. Allowing a thin ray of light to peek through. Spreading into a warm glow as fissures began to run through the wall.
A year come and gone. A year starting with the heartbreak of loss. A year beginning with fear of the future. A year that healed the heartbreak. A year that replaced the fear of sickness into a confidence that my body and soul were finally free of the battles I’d fought…and won. Energy and fire for life once again coursed through my veins. My whole life was ahead of me. Promise brimmed on the horizon.
Another horse was joining my ranks. Gleefully I worked and readied for its arrival. Making the best possible home I could for the new animal. Oh, how wonderful life was! I had plans. I had dreams. I had my story figured out.
God is the author of our stories. He holds the pen. And He was writing an entirely different story for my life. The ink on His pages read that at 15 years of age, life as I knew it would completely change course. Crushing every dream and plan I possessed. He knew that a year and a half after that moment, a 16 year old young woman would hand in an assignment at school. God had already seen my figure bent over the desk, writing out the words of the story HE had written for me.
These are the words I wrote seven years ago to describe the event that forever altered my path…
It was the last day of school and I was getting another horse. Fluffy white clouds drifted in the clear blue sky. I was contentedly rolling the meadow with the four-wheeler having a good time. Life could not get any better.
Suddenly the four-wheeler started sputtering and then stopped. I got off to see what the problem was. Discovering nothing, I tried starting it again. I pulled the rope and it didn’t do anything. So the second time I gave it all I was worth and yanked that rope. As I jerked the rope, it jerked me back. That’s when it happened.
Pain like I had never felt before seared up my back like lightening. I could not breathe and could not move. I was not only in pain, I was scared. I slowly straightened, thinking it would go away. It didn’t. It got worse.
I didn’t know what to do. I had never been in a situation like that before. No one could see me from the house and no one was around. So I had to get to the house someway. Slowly I started to get my reasoning back. I had to get to the house and get help.
It felt like time had frozen. Like the clocks had stopped. I slowly forced my legs to move one step at a time. The pain was so bad I almost screamed. But I knew that wouldn’t go any good, so I kept going. I finally reached the barn and, seeing a bucket, I thought I would sit on it and it might go away. Yeah, if I would rest it would be ok. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I slowly sank down and pain streaked up my back. It was like it took my legs out from under me and I dropped down.
I sat there for a while trying to make sense out of this. I didn’t know what to do or how to make it go away. I thought if I could just do something it would go away. Surely there was a way. Eventually I realized I just needed to get up and keep heading for the house. Surely Mom could fix it. Yeah, that was it. If I went to the house Mom would know what to do and everything would be fine and we would laugh about it later.
I breathed a quick prayer for God to give me strength and started to slowly push myself up, using the wall behind me as a brace. I was halfway up when, once again, pain shot up my back. I screamed and my legs gave way and I sank back on the bucket.
It was like a light bulb suddenly turned on. I knew right then that I was not okay and that everything was not going to be ok. I was alone and no one knew where I was and I had a ways to go until I got to the house. Like when a dam breaks, that is how I broke. I cried until I had nothing left and felt completely spent. Now I needed to get to the house even more.
I decided to just get up even though it hurt. I don’t know how I did it. The only way I got up is because God did it for me. I didn’t feel a thing and I stood there for a while, relishing the pain free moment. I took one step and pain as hot as iron blazed through me. I screamed and grabbed the wall, clinging to it for all I was worth. I did not want to fall.
I clung to that wall for a long time. By now I was scared and didn’t know how I was going to do this. I did not want to feel that much pain again. Ever. I struggled for what seemed like hours, up the slight hill facing the house. A walk that tool ten seconds yesterday, tool several minutes today. Just as I reached the steps, my older sister opened the door and asked me what was wrong. I said very calmly, “I hurt my back.” When my sister yelled for Mom and when Mom saw me, her face paled. When I saw that, all calm took flight. “Help me!” , I yelled. Scared and barely managing to keep from dropping to the ground.
Mom and my sister helped me up the stairs and into the house. They took me into the dining room and put me into a chair. I sat there for several minutes, breathing hard and trying to get some control. When I finally managed to say something, I told them what had happened. They then helped me to the couch. Mom called Dad, asking what we should do and Dad said to take me to the chiropractor right away. So we did.
By now my legs were going numb and the pain was unbearable. I felt like I was floating outside my body, watching myself. Right then I didn’t realize it, but I was going into shock. My body couldn’t handle that much pain.
That was the beginning. When everything started and brought me to the person I am today. If that would not have happened I would be a different person today. I had no idea of the pain I would go through in the year ahead.
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